Unprepared

My father is only 69 , but he has multiple medical problems and worst of all he has dementia. Dementia, such a cruel disease. Reality slowly slips away and his world becomes smaller and smaller. He has been hospitalized multiple times over the last several years and I realize his health is frail. My mother is older than my father but in better health.
So I was unprepared when I got the call from my mother's neighbor that she was having chest pain and they were taking her to the hospital via rescue. I just never expected it. I think it was probably partially protective since I try not to think about what would happen with my father if she was not there. But, now I had to think about it. I drove several hours that night to get to my parent's house so my dad would not be left alone. It really is not even that- he cannot be left alone. When I drove up he had every light on in the house and he was walking outside waiting for me. He looked so lost and frail that it was all I could do to not break down crying when I saw him. He told me he was out there because he was waiting to see the headlights on my car. The first thing he wanted to know was where my mother was as he could not remember where she was.
My mother was moved to a larger hospital because her local hospital could not perform the tests she needed. At 6:30am the next morning my father  began asking me when we were going to see her and what they were doing with her. I told him the same answer about  20 times, just like I do with TT when she asks me the same question over and over again. He lets his cat in and out about 30 times a day. He lets her out the front door and then lets her in the back door ten minutes later. If she doesn't come in then he is out there looking for her. He forgets what to do with his pills in the middle of taking them. He cannot change the channel on the tv with a remote control. He cannot remember how to turn the shower on. This is a small glimpse of what my mother lives with every day.
My mother was in the hospital for 3 days and honestly it felt like I was there for a week with him. The same questions over and over, the frustration that he has that he cannot remember. Unprepared for my mom's illness and unprepared for the reality of living with dementia. Both of them left me in tears.

Apples, Apples, Apples

There are so many things I love about fall and apples are definately one of them. We did not make it to pick them this year( maybe we can sneak it in this weekend if there are any left). Luckily though, we have a great orchard near us which sells them already picked. These are utility apples so they are not the most beautiful, but since I was making apple sauce they are perfect.

I always have great ambitions to can or preserve many items for the winter and spring but I usually run short on time. This year I have managed to make blueberry and strawberry jam, pickles(really yummy ones that I am rationing to last the winter), cranberry sauce, salsa and now apple sauce. Bigguy loves homemade apple sauce, especially when it has that beautiful pink hue when you use Mcintosh apples.

I know we will really enjoy each jar of applesauce and it makes me feel good to have my family eat food that I make and that we know where it comes from and the people who grow it.

Fungi

Bigguy and I have decided to take pictures of mushrooms and then try to identify them. I have always been  interested in them as I think they are very cool to look at and they seem to pop up out of no where.

We were in New Hampshire camping recently and we found many to photograph. This picture at the top of the post is actually one that we found on the side of the road on the edge of a large field. It was large, about 8 inches across the top and it was surrounded by about 50 other large mushrooms- it was very neat. We were not the only ones to get out and look at them and photograph them.

I have no idea what kind it is. Right now we are better at the picture taking then the identifying but we will get there. We plan to make a book of them. Bigguy is 10 already- where does time go- so it is nice to work with him on something like this.

All of the pictures below are from our trip camping.

Turkey Tail Mushrooms

As Parents Fail

My father has had problems with his memory for the last two years. He had a major surgery right after we adopted TT and he had a very difficult post op course. Ever since then he hasn't been right. I was there for Thanksgiving and I noticed that he could no longer figure out the remote for the TV and that he would sometimes go in the kitchen and just stand there looking at the cupboards as if he did not know where to look for something. It is terrible to see this happening to your parent. Especially my father. He has never wanted to depend on anyone for anything. He had a hard childhood with alcoholic parents and was on his own at a very young age and he never wanted to depend on others. I am not saying this is a healthy way to feel but I know where it came from and I know it is so hard for him to realize that he is unable to do even many simple things now. He cannot write a check, get on the internet, have a conversation without forgetting what he is talking about or run the microwave.
This is made even more difficult because of the dynamic between my parents. My father is a difficult person and honestly I could not have stayed married to him for as many years as my mother has. He can be selfish and can be mean and hurtful. My mother has always relied on him though and their relationship has worked for them. But now she is bitter. Bitter that she cannot leave him for more than a few hours, bitter that he can no longer do the finances, bitter that she has to give him his pills and remind him 100 times to take them, bitter that he can be mean and nasty at times, bitter because he refuses to eat right and he is a diabetic and bitter because he is no longer the man she married. I understand how she could feel this way. I was there for four days over Thanksgiving and I could not wait to leave by then end of our visit. I am struggling because they are both miserable. My father thinks she underestimates his abilities, which may be true and he thinks that she is telling everyone that he is crazy. She is overbearing with him and constantly corrects him and gets frustrated with him which does not help matters. It is a difficult and painful situation to be part of.
I do not know what to do to help. I live three hours away and I have two small children, a job and a husband that travels. We tried to convince my father to move here but he does not want to leave where he has lived most of his adult life. My mother, of course, wants to move here as she would be closer to three of her children and her sister. One more thing for her to be bitter about.
So, I call. I listen to both of them complain about each other. I cry as I think of the loss that my mother and father are experiencing and then I go on with my life. That is all I can do right now. It doesn't feel like enough though.

This and That

This has been a hard summer for farms and our CSA had a very rough start. But, the last two weeks we have received a huge share, especially beans which seem to like the weather we have had. Faced with the deluge of beans I decided to make some spicy dilly beans. There were some beautiful purple beans in the batch we received but unfortunately they blanch green. They did leave the brine a beautiful light purple. These will be a nice treat in the midst of winter.

I managed to emerge from my guilt trip despite the continued heat wave which has made me lethargic and unproductive. Yesterday I took bigguy and a friend bowling while TT was at playgroup. It was a really fun place with neon lit lanes and a huge arcade as well as laser tag. I want to have a grown up night there! I also took the kids to the lake today and we had a really nice day. The water was nice and warm and surprisingly it was not crowded- perhaps others are suffering from my lethargy!!

I know these last days before school are fleeting so I am going to try and make them special in small ways so that they will be memorable. We are going camping tomorrow for the weekend despite the risk of Hurricane Bill skirting the east coast, I am optimistically hoping that the forecasters are right and it will only bring rough surf.

Summer Guilt

I feel summer guilt today. It is 90 degrees, bright and sunny- not a cloud around. It is a perfect beach day. Why guilt then? Well, I just want to stay inside in my air conditioning and read magazines or blogs. I do not like 90 degrees- ever. We just returned from vacation on Saturday and I had to work on Sunday so I also am drowning under mounds of laundry and bags to be unpacked. I have managed to do some of the laundry but other than that not much. I know this weather is so fleeting, soon it will be fall and then winter and I will be dreaming of a summer day at the beach, but I just cannot do it today. There are going to be many nice days this week but we have brief commitments each day that make beach going out of the question. That may be adding to the guilt.

I guess we all need stay at home days to do nothing special- probably do not do enough of that anymore.

Felted Purse

I started this felted purse last winter from a stash of yarn I had bought several years before. Of course I ran out just short of completing the tabs to attach the handles so I had to improvise and cut the tabs in half. Not exactly how I wanted it to look but it works. I cannot even recall what pattern I used to make it. I am looking forward to using it this fall and winter although I in no way want to rush the summer by.

I am in desperate need of a new knitting project, will have to explore my yearn stash tonight and get something going. I tend not to knit too much in the summer unless it is a non wool item.

Hoping to pick blueberries tomorrow-nothing like fresh blueberries right off the bush!